quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
