my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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