Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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