we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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