She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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