dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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