I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
