we have pet lesbian snakes
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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