batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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