You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
