good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
