Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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