the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
