and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
