Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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