Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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