good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
