If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
