Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
