the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He has the fingertips of a God
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
