kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
