My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
