I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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