Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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