wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
