I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
