I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
