my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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