mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
