No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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