True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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