true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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