Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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