my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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