well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
