Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
