New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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