Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
