i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
