You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
