he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
