The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
should my penis look like a turkey
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
