and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
