My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
