but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
