His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
