i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
