Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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