apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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