i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
